Take the Journey

As I look around me, I find that children are just used to getting their own way around parents, they are obstinate and disobedient, as parents look on helplessly, and the worst is that parents are often heard saying that “today's children, this whole generation is like this, what can we do?” Being a mother of three young children, I often come across parents with children of my childrens' ages. And everyone seems to suffer from a common malaise – helplessness. Starting from waking up with great difficulty in the morning, getting late for school, skipping breakfast often, demanding for money to take to school for a mid-day snack with friends, the struggle to study or do homework after school, sitting in front of the TV all evening and till late at night instead of playing outside, deciding what to wear, what to buy, when to go shopping and for what, everything is now being decided by children! I get to hear this nearly every day that children as young as two years old are dictating terms to their parents! Children a little older are, for example, even deciding which car to buy as the current car is too small or too embarassing to be seen in, being rude and forceful even with their demands!

“Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it.” - Haim Ginott

Parents pass it off as “today's generation”, letting their children get the better of them. It is upsetting to watch that today's generation of parents have readily accepted the role of being 'puppets' in the hands of their children! Two thoughts come to mind – either we are too unsure of ourselves in our parental roles, finding ourselves incapable or under-capable of being the 'right' parents, or we are just deluding ourselves that by letting the children have their own way, we are giving them 'freedom' and 'space' to grow. Most parents use the mask of 'being good friends' to their children to cover their own unwillingness or inability! Our children are going to have many friends throughout their lives, but only one set of parents. And our primary role is that of a parent and teacher to them. Of course, we need to teach them everything through love, compassion ,understanding and example, and we have to be 'friendly' in our approach instead of being ogres, but let us not only be 'friends'! They will learn math or spelling from their teachers, and the 'ways of the world' from their friends, but the values and principles to base their lives on, they will imbibe from us. Let us then draw the lines, whether we want to be just 'good friends' or 'good parents'! Remember, we are the ones responsible for whatever the next generation does.

'Spare the rod and spoil the child' is an oft-quoted Proverb from the Bible, in the context of bringing up children. The 'rod' necessarily does not mean hitting the child or using physical force to make them listen to us. It means using discipline in every area of the child's upbringing, and even though it may turn a little harsh sometimes, better a little harshness now than a lifetime of unlearned lessons and maladjustments later. We are in this role for a specific reason, to bring up our children to be well-balanced, self-reliant, responsible individuals. We are not here to earn 'brownie' points and only be 'best buddies'! If you exert discipline, your children will often turn around and give examples of their friends' parents who are 'not like you'! But I always tell my children that firstly, I don't want to be like anyone else, secondly, I'm their parent, not their friends' parent, thirdly, I take the job God has given me as a parent and teacher very seriously, fourthly, they should take their duties as children seriously as well, and lastly, I'm not going to do anything that they 'like', when I know it is bad for them! So let me warn you, you are bound to be against the tide if you do these things.

So 'Take the Journey'. The journey to reclaim you role your role as a parent and teacher to your children. It will answer questions like why we must keep our word, why example is a powerful teacher, why honesty with ourselves is critical, and why we must think everything through. I have often candidly used examples from my own personal family history. You have your own family history, and your values have been shaped by that history. Refer to it often, and it will help you determine what you want to keep and what you want to eliminate in terms of worthwhile values for your children. The danger here is that a lot of people just blindly believe that no matter what their parents did is the last word in good parenting. That may not always be true, they had their limitations as well. We do not disrespect our parents if we choose not to take up some of their values of parenting. We can be as loving and respectful towards them as always.

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'

Sundays ... Yeh Kaisa Kulture hai?

Mrs. Joseph is a close and dear neighbor of mine. We live in the same lane, greet each other often and also share a few likes - strong coffee, upright people, chocolate cakes (of them I get a liberal share at Christmas!) and cleanliness. Though her family moved in almost ten years ago, and I always greeted her whenever I met her, I really got to know her around this Dussehra -Diwali only.

I was back from my Sunday biking trip around 5 in the evening. And I found Mrs. Joseph surrounded by a few other neighbors from our lane. As I went near to enquire, the first words that entered my ears were those of Mrs. Joseph, “Yeh kaisa Kulture hai?”

The monsoon had just ended and festivals were coming near. And so, the perfectly fine roads of our lane were getting ‘made’ again, courtesy the local administration. All went fine, and the road ‘miraculously’ was ready in just 2 days. It seemed like the agency, the contractor and the department had landed from another planet, knows for its punctuality. We were all very impressed, including Mrs. Joseph.

That Sunday was exactly a fortnight after the road had been ‘made’. And I found Mrs. Joseph pointing to everybody the young, little, light green plants that had grown from under the newly ‘made’ road in just 15 days. Those plants were real tough, having sprouted out of a thick layer of dense tar and gravel. Or was it thick enough?

Mrs. Joseph was asking,
“Yeh kaisa culture hai? Pehle achhi - khaasi road ko dubara bana do! Phir banao bhi aisa, ki 15 din mein paudhe ug aaye!”

We all nodded in agreement. This led to our meeting the local ward member to protest. Which led to him calling the Engineer in charge in front of us. Which led to a series of promises, that were never kept. Which finally led to everybody living on and forgetting the issue. Except, of course Mrs. Joseph.

Then, there was another time, quite recently that I found myself listening to Mrs. Joseph in rapt attention. Soon after the road was made, entered another set of guys, very hard-working and committed; committed enough to ‘make’ new drains in the lane that was newly ‘made’. Ofcourse, Mrs. Joseph was furious. Out she came, and summoned the contractor, “Yeh kya hai bhai, abhi to road bani hai, pehle naali kyon nahi banayi! Yeh kaisa culture hai tum logo ke kaam karne ka?”

This led to the neighbors getting together once again. The ward member came, inspected the work and listened to us - Mrs. Joseph actually, smiled and said “ye to saare shehar mein ban rahi hain”. The moment he said he realised he shouldn’t have. Mrs. Joseph retorted instantly, “yeh kaisa culture hai pata nahi aap logon ka, pehle achhi road ko dubara bana diya, ab theek - thak naaliyan tudwa ke dubara bana dee. Bas logo ka paisa barbaad ho raha hai. Kya isliye ham tax dete hain?”

I am sure he had no answer to that. Neither do I. Do you?

After all, “Ye shehar kiska hai?’

Him Ahuja is an avid traveler and runs a travel blog named http://allhimalaya.com

The name is Baand, Zames Baand!

How to test if an Indian man lies…Ask him this question: “Have you ever imagined yourself to be ‘James Bond’?”…if he says no, the man is a first class liar.

Mr. Ian Fleming (I’m sure) had no idea while creating ‘Commander Sir James Bond’ of the British Secret Intelligence Service ; commonly known as MI6, that the character would become one of the most admired ‘heroes’ of yesteryears.

A good Bond film meant Sean Connery, great looking women, a lot of love making, sinister looking villans, a pridictable plot, licence to kill, ‘hero always wins’, ‘Bond saves the world yet again’, vodka martini (shaken not stirred), Aston Martin cars,and no commitment to any of the women metioned earlier…what a LIFE ! Every man I know has fantasised about living like Bond at one point in life, and why not? Bond stood for all the fun a man can have without the added responsibilities of living in a ‘real world’.

The ‘real world’ meant, going to office, having a wife (that didn’t look like a bond girl), raising children, paying their fees, being stopped by the police at 10PM at Ghanta Ghar and having to reply; “I live in Chakku Mohalla; Sir”, and not the Grand Royale Hotel in Venice, then having to explain to the wife (who dosent look like a Bond girl) why one is late (again). Life for a ‘non-Bond’ isnt really ‘Bond’ at all… as you can see.

The trouble is, none of us were ready to belive that Bond is a fictional character. He was part of every man that ever bought a ‘first day-first show’ ticket in ‘black’ at Capri (R.I.P.) to movies like ‘Dr. No’, ‘You Only Live Twice’, ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’, ‘For Your Eyes Only’…

The trouble also is that he did finally remain ‘fiction’.

Sean Connery was followed by Roger Moore, who in turn had other younger men like Timolthy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and now Daniel Craig take on the mantle. ‘The Indian Bond Man’; of course, had to live with whatever body, wife and life were offered. Except that the Bond in some of us never died. Evident from the fact that the most expensive car registraion number in India is (guess what…) 007.

For the last few years, every time I see one of those coveted numbers on a car, I make it a point to stop and ask the owner a few questions. This is my research into a very interesting side of human psycology; fondly called ‘The Bond Syndrome’. Here are a few that I found intesting (also note the car the number was on). The names don’t matter …to me they are all just …‘Bond’.


Name

1. Mr. Bond
Mercedez Benz
Owner of a Paint Manufacturing Plant

"This is the number I always wanted.
This is me."


2 Mr. Bond
Maruti
Area Manager for a Pharma Company

"Oh! You noticed…Thank You, Thank
you"


3 Mr. Bond
Jeep
Farm owner just outside DehraDun

"I don’t know, the number came with
the Jeep...You want it?"


4 Mr. Bond
Maruti 800
Son

"Papa said 007 means we are 'Hip', he
paid extra for that number"

5 Mr. Bond
New Toyota SUV

"Hum kya James Bond se kam hain?"

The last one was especially interesting. This is how he sounded “Hum Kya Zames Baand se
kum Hai?”

“Not at all Sir…you’ve actually kept him alive… here … right behind your car!”

‘James Bond’ is dead…

Long live ‘Zames Baand’, licence to drive number- UK 07- XA- 0007.

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

Culture Vulture OR Vulture Culture?

Some weeks ago when we wrote about the deteriorating culture in DehraDun, we had no idea that it would stick to so many people (Ref:Open letter to CM and MC). At, at least 2 different places; people picked up a conversation with me about my critical comments on certain people who are contributing to the ‘Muzzafarnagar-isation’ of Doon. The mention below is about one of those ‘interesting’ conversations.

The conversation started in the usual cordial tone of “Oh! I read your article, and liked it”, it then went into “but, I think you are stereo-typing people” and went on to “how can you call one culture better than the other?”

Well, I don’t. I can only compare cultures and leave the judgment to whoever cares to make one.

The last entire century was lead by dogmatic leaders who changed the world forever. Germans are better than Jews…Capitalism is better than communism…White is better than black…I can plunder your country’s oil, but you can’t…My religion is better than yours…Etc. (usually absolutely extreme ends) We saw so much of X is better than Y and the conflict arising out of it, that all discussion about comparisons slowly stopped (other than in closed rooms) and the world started to say what is always ‘politically correct’. It became so important to not get into conflict, that we stopped calling ‘a spade, a spade’. All this under the guise of ‘different people and cultures work differently and what is true for one may not be true for another”…so “all cultures are equal and should co-exist”. So far so good…not that conflict completely ceased.

Coming back to the conversation with this gentleman; I asked “Do you think that all people are equal?”

“Yes, of course” he replied.

“Do you think one culture is better than the other?”

“No, I think all cultures have their own ways and that those ways are not better or worse, just different”

“Do you think there might be ways by which one culture can be called better than the other?”

“No, no again…cultures are different, not better or worse; just different”

“Do you think a culture that generally respects women may be better than a culture that doesn’t?”

“Well…”

“Do you think a usually compassionate culture is better than a usually violent culture?”

“Well…”

“Do you think Dehradun’s culture is better than some other places around Dehradun?”

“Well…”

To people who have chosen to make DehraDun their home …”Guys; please be nice to your
town…this is the only one we have!”

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

Too ‘Animal’ , or not to ‘Animal’; that…

Gauri Maulekhi is passionate about animal rights. Major Amit Salathia is a ‘Shaurya Chakra’ and is equally passionate about soldiering. Before I tell you about what happened and the narrative, lets discuss the difference between a ‘debate’ and a ‘discussion’. In a debate, people usually choose opposite ends and defend their view point, in an attempt to win. Usually even a ‘debatable’ topic has enough meat on both ends, hence the debate. In a discussion, people are open to newer view points and hence both sides have a chance of ‘winning’.

The debate started over Gauri addressing the use of a certain kind of snake for training commandos. Amit explained why it is done and how it is important for commandos to learn to survive in adverse and wild conditions. Gauri explained further how certain species are dying and have to be saved. Amit replied by citing examples from his own experience on surviving for days without civilized food. Both were right (like in debates). Both are passionate.

The debate and we took a break when tea arrived and Gauri got a call on her mobile. By this time they had already spent about 15 minutes on the agenda and this break in proceedings was welcome to everybody else in the audience, including the staff of my office. By this time (I think) both of them had also realized that it wasn’t going anywhere. I could judge that by the “this person is impossible” look each gave me. They both were.

Out of sheer courtesy (I guess) and out of exhaustion, they both fell silent and started sipping the strong brew. Once the caffeine settled, Amit said “I understand your concern for animals, but we need to find a middle path…how do you think we can save animals and not compromise the training”. Gauri then explained how some humane and less hurtful ways can be used, whilst
understanding Amit’s viewpoint. Suddenly the whole room was brighter and the ‘debate’ had turned into a ‘discussion’.

I’m not sure what happened after that but it was obvious that both of them went away wiser about each other’s areas.

Gauri; by the way, was at my office discussing how we can support People for Animals’ new state level umbrella organization. The one that gets launched on the 20th of November. She has been working very hard, like many of her colleuges , for years to fight for and advocate animal rights. The organisation was instumental in getting some action done around animal sacrifice,that is
widely prevelent in our state, as also runs a hospital and shelter for animals at Tapovan , near Raipur. As I write, they have 130 animals, including dogs, bulls, monkeys, goats, and hens, cows …That’s a lot to take care of and between her and her equally devoted colleagues.

If you’d like to support them, please visit www.pfauttarakhand.org .

Till next week.

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

SPECIAL CHILDREN, SPECIAL DAY

Hope you had a great time at Diwali. And I do hope that you kept my advice in mind during the celebrations! I want to thank everyone who wrote back to say that they have decided to have a eco-friendly Diwali from now on. A lot of people write to me, sharing their experiences and asking questions about various challenges they face. I believe we have a great forum now where we have created dialogue, raised issues and spread awareness on these crucial topics. The truth is most of us are going through similar challenges, all we need is to become thinking and acting people. Kudos to everyone who has decided to get up and get moving. I feel grateful and blessed that what I sent out has now multiplied. Now that more of us are taking this journey, more people are going to join us on the way. And our destination is to be good and better parents. After all, what is more important to us as parents than the well-being of our children? It's the 14^th of November and as our country celebrates Children's Day, what is the greatest gift that we can give our children today? Since many years, this day is being celebrated to commemorate Pt. Nehru's love for children. Why don't we use this day to recommit ourselves to our responsibility as parents?

All of us come into the role of a parent as a beginner; it's difficult to know exactly how to do it. Children do not arrive with packaged instructions and help manuals (I wish they did!). When we don't know what to do, we often do what is done to us. Remember, most of us had parents who were neither always bad nor always good. They had their limitations as we have ours. Reinvent yourself into being the parent you wish your parents had been. What we are going to need most on this journey are love and courage. I once believed that courage is an absence of fear, but I now know that really, courage is the abandonment of fear in the name of love. The only thing more powerful then fear is love, and the most powerful love is the love we have for our children. See, doesn't that make things easier?

Let's start with belief in our own abilities and skills. I feel that even if God did not send us an instruction manual, he gave us the wherewithal, the right feelings and abilities to be a parent. We just have to believe we have them. Now if you have armed yourself with this belief and confidence, I am going to take you through a step-by-step journey in good parenting. I will elaborate on each of the following steps as we go further each week.

Step One is to Look in the mirror. Reinforce the positives and reverse the negatives in yourself and your child. Teach your child by your own positive example. Keep changing until you are proud of what you see in the mirror.

Step Two is to Take the journey. Reclaim your primary role as a parent and teacher of your child. Learn the power of example. Make yourself a worthy parent.

Step Three is to Take the time. Discover the individuality of your child, which will need time and patience. Then learn how to encourage and motivate your child in his personal physical, intellectual and spiritual quests.

Step Four is to Be the guide. Inspire your child to be self-reliant. It's a difficult road to travel, but stay focused and believe.

Step Five is to Build trust. Trust your children and teach them the importance and challenge of choices, the importance of rules, and individual and collective responsibility.

Step Six is to Show the way. Emphasize the value of work as a way to achieve goals. Teach them how to set goals. Through example, teach them about the miraculous power of effort and joy in work.

Step Seven is to Have faith. Show them you believe they are capable. Teach them to be responsible for their own work, and how to get the help they need to fulfill that responsibility.

Step Eight is to Take the lead. Accept the fact that parents must monitor who and what is influencing their children. Learn how to curb to negative influence of media, peer pressure, etc.

Step Nine is to Find the good. Learn and teach the true definition of self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence and how self-discipline leads to all these.

Step Ten is to Be a Beginner. Learn about true lifelong learning. Get a better understanding of how you learn, and how your willingness and openness to learning teaches your child to do the same.

There are many paths we can follow, many choices we can make, and many successes we can achieve. But none will ever present as great an opportunity for a significant contribution to this world as the singular accomplishment of raising a good child. Surely no task is more challenging, more far reaching in its potential to influence future generations. Martha Kinney once wrote, “I am a reflection of my past generations and the essence of those following after me.”

HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY!

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'

“Om Jai Jagdish” and a Happy Diwali

Belated Happy Diwali Guys. Trust you had fun and the hangovers are over; and thanks, I had an interesting Diwali too.

‘Interesting’ is actually an understatement. It was more like, hmmm…, what’s the word, educating; I guess. This was our first Diwali in DehraDun after almost two decades and frankly; we had almost forgotten the way it works. Also, I haven’t made as many blunders (in the ‘social’ way) in a span of 3 days, as around this Diwali and am now confident of not repeating my mistakes.

Blunder number one… I didn’t realize that I had to reply to each ‘mass-sent’ SMS , with a ‘Thank You Dear…We wish you a Happy Diwali too’, neither did I send any. The logic was simple. We meet our friends and relatives often enough, and they deserve more than an SMS. I call this a blunder, because after Diwali I bumped into people who actually asked me why I didn’t reply. I wanted to say, “But you forwarded the same message that Himanshu had sent to Amit and others, who forwarded it to Nisha and others, who mass forwarded the same message to her entire address book.” How do I know? Well, ‘Diwali’ was spelt ‘Diwoli’ in the last line of the message; and I got the same message from Himanshu and Amit and Nisha and maybe seven other people on the same day, only sequentially. Lesson learnt: Always send mass messages. People know you are mass mailing, but at least they know that they are on your address
book.

Blunder number two…I did not buy economical gifts for everyone I know. Its only when people that you rarely meet; come home with a gift wrapped box of ‘Haldiram’s Namkeen’, that you realize; they not just exist but also remember you. The guilt is immediate. I mean as soon as you see them at the door with something in their hand…you know that the gesture will have to be reciprocated. That of course after checking the exact value of the Namkeens.

Blunder number three…I didn’t have a picture of Goddess Laxmi , Lord Ganesh, Lord Ram, Lord Krishan, Goddess Kali, Lord Kubera, Lord Hanuman, Lord Dhanvantri, Lord Yama, King Bali, or any of the other dieties to be remembered during ‘puja’ at home. This meant that the puja had to be outsourced to our dear neighbours. Mrs, and Mr. Malhotra were kind to let us sit through their puja, but did raise an eyebrow when I couldn’t sing the entire aarti with them. I had no excuse. As a person born in a Hindu family, the least one expects to know, is “Om Jai Jagdish”.

I know; none of the blunders above deserve forgiveness. I also know that the prices of even economical gifts go up every year, so here’s my plan.

For the SMS blunder: I will start sending “Happy Diwali” to my entire address book a week before next diwali, so no body can accuse me of copying the original SMS.

For the economical gifts blunders: Some that we received this year will last till the next. The rest we plan to buy.

For the puja blunder: Mrs. and Mr. Malhotra have agreed to continue living in our colony and be our neighbours.

“Om Jai Jagdish” and a very Happy Diwali. This, by the way; is for the one next year. In advance!

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com