Take the Journey

As I look around me, I find that children are just used to getting their own way around parents, they are obstinate and disobedient, as parents look on helplessly, and the worst is that parents are often heard saying that “today's children, this whole generation is like this, what can we do?” Being a mother of three young children, I often come across parents with children of my childrens' ages. And everyone seems to suffer from a common malaise – helplessness. Starting from waking up with great difficulty in the morning, getting late for school, skipping breakfast often, demanding for money to take to school for a mid-day snack with friends, the struggle to study or do homework after school, sitting in front of the TV all evening and till late at night instead of playing outside, deciding what to wear, what to buy, when to go shopping and for what, everything is now being decided by children! I get to hear this nearly every day that children as young as two years old are dictating terms to their parents! Children a little older are, for example, even deciding which car to buy as the current car is too small or too embarassing to be seen in, being rude and forceful even with their demands!

“Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it.” - Haim Ginott

Parents pass it off as “today's generation”, letting their children get the better of them. It is upsetting to watch that today's generation of parents have readily accepted the role of being 'puppets' in the hands of their children! Two thoughts come to mind – either we are too unsure of ourselves in our parental roles, finding ourselves incapable or under-capable of being the 'right' parents, or we are just deluding ourselves that by letting the children have their own way, we are giving them 'freedom' and 'space' to grow. Most parents use the mask of 'being good friends' to their children to cover their own unwillingness or inability! Our children are going to have many friends throughout their lives, but only one set of parents. And our primary role is that of a parent and teacher to them. Of course, we need to teach them everything through love, compassion ,understanding and example, and we have to be 'friendly' in our approach instead of being ogres, but let us not only be 'friends'! They will learn math or spelling from their teachers, and the 'ways of the world' from their friends, but the values and principles to base their lives on, they will imbibe from us. Let us then draw the lines, whether we want to be just 'good friends' or 'good parents'! Remember, we are the ones responsible for whatever the next generation does.

'Spare the rod and spoil the child' is an oft-quoted Proverb from the Bible, in the context of bringing up children. The 'rod' necessarily does not mean hitting the child or using physical force to make them listen to us. It means using discipline in every area of the child's upbringing, and even though it may turn a little harsh sometimes, better a little harshness now than a lifetime of unlearned lessons and maladjustments later. We are in this role for a specific reason, to bring up our children to be well-balanced, self-reliant, responsible individuals. We are not here to earn 'brownie' points and only be 'best buddies'! If you exert discipline, your children will often turn around and give examples of their friends' parents who are 'not like you'! But I always tell my children that firstly, I don't want to be like anyone else, secondly, I'm their parent, not their friends' parent, thirdly, I take the job God has given me as a parent and teacher very seriously, fourthly, they should take their duties as children seriously as well, and lastly, I'm not going to do anything that they 'like', when I know it is bad for them! So let me warn you, you are bound to be against the tide if you do these things.

So 'Take the Journey'. The journey to reclaim you role your role as a parent and teacher to your children. It will answer questions like why we must keep our word, why example is a powerful teacher, why honesty with ourselves is critical, and why we must think everything through. I have often candidly used examples from my own personal family history. You have your own family history, and your values have been shaped by that history. Refer to it often, and it will help you determine what you want to keep and what you want to eliminate in terms of worthwhile values for your children. The danger here is that a lot of people just blindly believe that no matter what their parents did is the last word in good parenting. That may not always be true, they had their limitations as well. We do not disrespect our parents if we choose not to take up some of their values of parenting. We can be as loving and respectful towards them as always.

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'