IN US, THROUGH US, FOR US

To understand your parents' love, you must raise children.
- Chinese Proverb
Growing up, I've had more than my share of strife and discord with my parents. There was always something they did not understand, something that they were stubborn about, or someone they loved more than me! So things often didn't work out between my mother and I, because she stood her ground and I did mine. And things got worse when I got married, because now not only her, I had one more mother to deal with! Gosh!! For many years now, I've felt this to be one of the greatest challenges of my life, so has my husband! Because parents, as you know, (mothers in particular!), never give up and never give in! If we are strong-minded, they, it seems, invented stubbornness and are the official know-it-alls! They know everything about children, parenting, clothes, cooking, cleaning, food, storage, walking, eating, sleeping, God, Nature, religion, rituals, people, good, bad, ugly, even the 'evil eye'! And of course, they always know what is good for them and no one dare tell them differently!

What is it about this that we are never able to figure out? This question baffled me for a long time, until the day I had my first baby. The minute I saw him and held him in my arms, I thought “Mamma, so this is how much you love me”. That day, at least one thing became clear to me, that whatever my mom or my husband's mom did, however irritating, wrong or illogical it seemed, they did it out of love for us. But how can love be like this? We love our children, and it's nothing like this! It makes it easier if we start from understanding that position of deep love and commitment they have for us, because in all these years of senseless co-existence with your parents, you must have come across innumerable moments of love, compassion, commitment, discipline, sacrifice, support, goodness, strength, character, all of which made sense sometimes! So what has happened to them now?

Well, let it suffice to say that when they were doing the parenting, we saw only that side of them most often, but now as grown-ups, we see sides of them that show us that they have their sets of flaws just like other human beings. Having aged, they have slowed down physically and mentally as well, and since then their set of worries has changed from worrying about us to their own problems like old age, health issues, finances, loneliness, non-acceptance, spiritual growth, etc., they now seem to us like a completely different set of people. Their old ways and habits give them a sense of security and continuity, they hold meaning for them in ever-changing times, so they hold on to them with great fervour, even sometimes to the extent of alienating everyone else. Mothers of sons find it especially difficult to let go of the 'one who would always support them and look after them'. This feeling of insecurity of losing this most important 'crutch' of their old age, this holding on, without their realizing it, turns into clinging and obsessive control. And when this control is questioned by their son or daughter-in-law, it further develops into an issue of prestige and importance.
I'm convinced that although not intentional, it is difficult for them to back off even when things around them start to become ugly or full of tension. Asad state of affairs, a reality nonetheless, but one which cannot be dealt with arguments, logic, reasoning, threats, non-communication or simply walking out of the house! For that is what they are always afraid of, and we would just be proving their reasoning right!
It is not always easy to take the 'high road' here and say that we understand so we will give in. It can be extremely stressful to deal with these situations on a daily, ongoing basis. But a few wonderful things in my life have taught me that 'I' can always be the one to take the first step. How much worse can it get, things can only become better from here on. Only when we start with ourselves, we can reassure them that we are also open to listening and understanding, and are not expecting only them to make all the changes. We have to assure them of our good intentions, never failing to mention what love and respect we have for them as parents and as people, trying to convince them that we will never leave them but will always do our duties happily, because we have seen them doing theirs for a long, long time.

I know it is an uphill task, and their efforts may not be equitable, but if our efforts are greater and always consistent, slowly they will come to realize that our intentions are good, we really do appreciate their value in our lives and that we will always honour them, as even God commands us to do. They will be able to let go of their insecurities and sometimes false pride, because only a loving and forgiving heart of ours will bring about loving and forgiveness in them. We cannot ignore or neglect our duties as children if we want to be great parents.

And what a beauty it is to watch the love our parents have for their grandchildren, because being our children, they are doubly precious to our parents! Never has there been a love greater than I have for my children, neither has there been a love greater than my parents' love for me!

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'