Last week's topic has prompted my choice of this week's topic. I want to talk to grandparents about their role and responsibility in the bringing up of children. I do not want to sound presumptuous in trying to tell you anything, thus, the responsibility and 'behaviour' of grandparents mentioned here is just to remind and revive the wonderful relationships that grandparents have always shared with their precious grandchildren over centuries.
It is true that there is a special relationship between the 'grands'- parents and children. It is almost like a friendship between two 'equals'. There is a sharing of 'secrets'- stories of childhood and fairytales, promises of 'goodies', solutions to playground 'problems', problems with parents trying to discipline all the time, etc. This is a great 'bond', one which you can use both as an opportunity and a responsibility. An opportunity to be helpful and creative, maybe a chance to do what you missed with your own children, an opportunity to add value to the lives of others even at an older age, as also a means for your own growth. And a responsibility to be a teacher, to teach and pass on the timeless values of love, compassion, forgiveness, joy, courage, service, charity and countless others.
Parents also try to teach these age-old values, but you have a great advantage over them- of age, experience, more time on your hands, and above all, a better understanding of the child's needs and welfare. After all, it is not fair for the child to lose out on all these wonderful lessons on values and life because their parents lead such busy lives.
A lot of grandparents I come across are full of grouses about their family situation, their relationships with their children and their spouses, their biggest grouse being “nobody listens to me”. That may be the case, but you will find that almost everyone in your family has the same to say about each other! You feel that your children don't listen to you anymore, thus making you feel old and redundant. Your children feel that you act stubborn and do not want to accept the changes that have come with time. Their spouses feel that you are intolerant and critical of them and treat them as if they are not good enough. And the grandchildren..... can you see what they would be feeling, growing up amidst this kind of implicit, sometimes even explicit sense of rivalry?!
It is true that there is a special relationship between the 'grands'- parents and children. It is almost like a friendship between two 'equals'. There is a sharing of 'secrets'- stories of childhood and fairytales, promises of 'goodies', solutions to playground 'problems', problems with parents trying to discipline all the time, etc. This is a great 'bond', one which you can use both as an opportunity and a responsibility. An opportunity to be helpful and creative, maybe a chance to do what you missed with your own children, an opportunity to add value to the lives of others even at an older age, as also a means for your own growth. And a responsibility to be a teacher, to teach and pass on the timeless values of love, compassion, forgiveness, joy, courage, service, charity and countless others.
Parents also try to teach these age-old values, but you have a great advantage over them- of age, experience, more time on your hands, and above all, a better understanding of the child's needs and welfare. After all, it is not fair for the child to lose out on all these wonderful lessons on values and life because their parents lead such busy lives.
A lot of grandparents I come across are full of grouses about their family situation, their relationships with their children and their spouses, their biggest grouse being “nobody listens to me”. That may be the case, but you will find that almost everyone in your family has the same to say about each other! You feel that your children don't listen to you anymore, thus making you feel old and redundant. Your children feel that you act stubborn and do not want to accept the changes that have come with time. Their spouses feel that you are intolerant and critical of them and treat them as if they are not good enough. And the grandchildren..... can you see what they would be feeling, growing up amidst this kind of implicit, sometimes even explicit sense of rivalry?!
Now the onus of showing forgiveness, understanding and compassion falls on the older people. The whole world looks to their elders, in the family, in society, or in spiritual leadership, to display these qualities for the younger generation. And what better way to teach these values than to be a living example? It would be wonderful if you could see that you are already the owner of this kind of recognition, all you have to do is prove it by practicing it! If you would just extend yourselves a little, you'll see that your family is waiting, looking to you for the 'loving hand' as also a 'timely rebuke.'
Having settled that (I hope!), I believe that grandparents can make the finest teachers children could ever have. You have 'been there, done that', you have a genuine love and concern, you have a slower pace (a good quality for a teacher), and you have a practical knowledge of how values work in our lives. Growing up with values can help children to have wholesome personalities, and the lack of them can leave them without direction or purpose. They will always cherish your invaluable contribution in their lives.
This brings to mind an old adage, 'By the time the son realizes that his father was right, he already has a son who thinks he is wrong.' So when your children are trying to discipline your grandchildren, support them in their efforts, and talk to them in private in case of a difference of opinion. Only when a child sees consistency from all elders, will he/she adhere to it. For, even though it feels good when they run to you to 'rescue' them from their parents, it is not right to belittle their parents' authority.
A few other things you could do are: not to interfere when the child is being corrected, not to contradict or overrule commands, however strict or misplaced they may seem to you, not to let them watch television soaps with you, never compromise on their eating, sleeping, study or play time, never let them associate 'fun' with playing truant when parents are not around or keeping secrets from parents or disobedience, never giving them foods, toys, etc. which are bad for them, not giving in to tantrums or bad behaviour, and not criticizing their parents to them or in front of them. These few don'ts will go a long way towards good grandparenting. You may need to accept a few changes or 'update' yourselves, but your efforts will not go waste- many generations after you will benefit from what you pass on.
Juhi Mehta, the quintessenti
al mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'
al mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'
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