Take the Journey

As I look around me, I find that children are just used to getting their own way around parents, they are obstinate and disobedient, as parents look on helplessly, and the worst is that parents are often heard saying that “today's children, this whole generation is like this, what can we do?” Being a mother of three young children, I often come across parents with children of my childrens' ages. And everyone seems to suffer from a common malaise – helplessness. Starting from waking up with great difficulty in the morning, getting late for school, skipping breakfast often, demanding for money to take to school for a mid-day snack with friends, the struggle to study or do homework after school, sitting in front of the TV all evening and till late at night instead of playing outside, deciding what to wear, what to buy, when to go shopping and for what, everything is now being decided by children! I get to hear this nearly every day that children as young as two years old are dictating terms to their parents! Children a little older are, for example, even deciding which car to buy as the current car is too small or too embarassing to be seen in, being rude and forceful even with their demands!

“Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it.” - Haim Ginott

Parents pass it off as “today's generation”, letting their children get the better of them. It is upsetting to watch that today's generation of parents have readily accepted the role of being 'puppets' in the hands of their children! Two thoughts come to mind – either we are too unsure of ourselves in our parental roles, finding ourselves incapable or under-capable of being the 'right' parents, or we are just deluding ourselves that by letting the children have their own way, we are giving them 'freedom' and 'space' to grow. Most parents use the mask of 'being good friends' to their children to cover their own unwillingness or inability! Our children are going to have many friends throughout their lives, but only one set of parents. And our primary role is that of a parent and teacher to them. Of course, we need to teach them everything through love, compassion ,understanding and example, and we have to be 'friendly' in our approach instead of being ogres, but let us not only be 'friends'! They will learn math or spelling from their teachers, and the 'ways of the world' from their friends, but the values and principles to base their lives on, they will imbibe from us. Let us then draw the lines, whether we want to be just 'good friends' or 'good parents'! Remember, we are the ones responsible for whatever the next generation does.

'Spare the rod and spoil the child' is an oft-quoted Proverb from the Bible, in the context of bringing up children. The 'rod' necessarily does not mean hitting the child or using physical force to make them listen to us. It means using discipline in every area of the child's upbringing, and even though it may turn a little harsh sometimes, better a little harshness now than a lifetime of unlearned lessons and maladjustments later. We are in this role for a specific reason, to bring up our children to be well-balanced, self-reliant, responsible individuals. We are not here to earn 'brownie' points and only be 'best buddies'! If you exert discipline, your children will often turn around and give examples of their friends' parents who are 'not like you'! But I always tell my children that firstly, I don't want to be like anyone else, secondly, I'm their parent, not their friends' parent, thirdly, I take the job God has given me as a parent and teacher very seriously, fourthly, they should take their duties as children seriously as well, and lastly, I'm not going to do anything that they 'like', when I know it is bad for them! So let me warn you, you are bound to be against the tide if you do these things.

So 'Take the Journey'. The journey to reclaim you role your role as a parent and teacher to your children. It will answer questions like why we must keep our word, why example is a powerful teacher, why honesty with ourselves is critical, and why we must think everything through. I have often candidly used examples from my own personal family history. You have your own family history, and your values have been shaped by that history. Refer to it often, and it will help you determine what you want to keep and what you want to eliminate in terms of worthwhile values for your children. The danger here is that a lot of people just blindly believe that no matter what their parents did is the last word in good parenting. That may not always be true, they had their limitations as well. We do not disrespect our parents if we choose not to take up some of their values of parenting. We can be as loving and respectful towards them as always.

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'

Sundays ... Yeh Kaisa Kulture hai?

Mrs. Joseph is a close and dear neighbor of mine. We live in the same lane, greet each other often and also share a few likes - strong coffee, upright people, chocolate cakes (of them I get a liberal share at Christmas!) and cleanliness. Though her family moved in almost ten years ago, and I always greeted her whenever I met her, I really got to know her around this Dussehra -Diwali only.

I was back from my Sunday biking trip around 5 in the evening. And I found Mrs. Joseph surrounded by a few other neighbors from our lane. As I went near to enquire, the first words that entered my ears were those of Mrs. Joseph, “Yeh kaisa Kulture hai?”

The monsoon had just ended and festivals were coming near. And so, the perfectly fine roads of our lane were getting ‘made’ again, courtesy the local administration. All went fine, and the road ‘miraculously’ was ready in just 2 days. It seemed like the agency, the contractor and the department had landed from another planet, knows for its punctuality. We were all very impressed, including Mrs. Joseph.

That Sunday was exactly a fortnight after the road had been ‘made’. And I found Mrs. Joseph pointing to everybody the young, little, light green plants that had grown from under the newly ‘made’ road in just 15 days. Those plants were real tough, having sprouted out of a thick layer of dense tar and gravel. Or was it thick enough?

Mrs. Joseph was asking,
“Yeh kaisa culture hai? Pehle achhi - khaasi road ko dubara bana do! Phir banao bhi aisa, ki 15 din mein paudhe ug aaye!”

We all nodded in agreement. This led to our meeting the local ward member to protest. Which led to him calling the Engineer in charge in front of us. Which led to a series of promises, that were never kept. Which finally led to everybody living on and forgetting the issue. Except, of course Mrs. Joseph.

Then, there was another time, quite recently that I found myself listening to Mrs. Joseph in rapt attention. Soon after the road was made, entered another set of guys, very hard-working and committed; committed enough to ‘make’ new drains in the lane that was newly ‘made’. Ofcourse, Mrs. Joseph was furious. Out she came, and summoned the contractor, “Yeh kya hai bhai, abhi to road bani hai, pehle naali kyon nahi banayi! Yeh kaisa culture hai tum logo ke kaam karne ka?”

This led to the neighbors getting together once again. The ward member came, inspected the work and listened to us - Mrs. Joseph actually, smiled and said “ye to saare shehar mein ban rahi hain”. The moment he said he realised he shouldn’t have. Mrs. Joseph retorted instantly, “yeh kaisa culture hai pata nahi aap logon ka, pehle achhi road ko dubara bana diya, ab theek - thak naaliyan tudwa ke dubara bana dee. Bas logo ka paisa barbaad ho raha hai. Kya isliye ham tax dete hain?”

I am sure he had no answer to that. Neither do I. Do you?

After all, “Ye shehar kiska hai?’

Him Ahuja is an avid traveler and runs a travel blog named http://allhimalaya.com

The name is Baand, Zames Baand!

How to test if an Indian man lies…Ask him this question: “Have you ever imagined yourself to be ‘James Bond’?”…if he says no, the man is a first class liar.

Mr. Ian Fleming (I’m sure) had no idea while creating ‘Commander Sir James Bond’ of the British Secret Intelligence Service ; commonly known as MI6, that the character would become one of the most admired ‘heroes’ of yesteryears.

A good Bond film meant Sean Connery, great looking women, a lot of love making, sinister looking villans, a pridictable plot, licence to kill, ‘hero always wins’, ‘Bond saves the world yet again’, vodka martini (shaken not stirred), Aston Martin cars,and no commitment to any of the women metioned earlier…what a LIFE ! Every man I know has fantasised about living like Bond at one point in life, and why not? Bond stood for all the fun a man can have without the added responsibilities of living in a ‘real world’.

The ‘real world’ meant, going to office, having a wife (that didn’t look like a bond girl), raising children, paying their fees, being stopped by the police at 10PM at Ghanta Ghar and having to reply; “I live in Chakku Mohalla; Sir”, and not the Grand Royale Hotel in Venice, then having to explain to the wife (who dosent look like a Bond girl) why one is late (again). Life for a ‘non-Bond’ isnt really ‘Bond’ at all… as you can see.

The trouble is, none of us were ready to belive that Bond is a fictional character. He was part of every man that ever bought a ‘first day-first show’ ticket in ‘black’ at Capri (R.I.P.) to movies like ‘Dr. No’, ‘You Only Live Twice’, ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’, ‘For Your Eyes Only’…

The trouble also is that he did finally remain ‘fiction’.

Sean Connery was followed by Roger Moore, who in turn had other younger men like Timolthy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and now Daniel Craig take on the mantle. ‘The Indian Bond Man’; of course, had to live with whatever body, wife and life were offered. Except that the Bond in some of us never died. Evident from the fact that the most expensive car registraion number in India is (guess what…) 007.

For the last few years, every time I see one of those coveted numbers on a car, I make it a point to stop and ask the owner a few questions. This is my research into a very interesting side of human psycology; fondly called ‘The Bond Syndrome’. Here are a few that I found intesting (also note the car the number was on). The names don’t matter …to me they are all just …‘Bond’.


Name

1. Mr. Bond
Mercedez Benz
Owner of a Paint Manufacturing Plant

"This is the number I always wanted.
This is me."


2 Mr. Bond
Maruti
Area Manager for a Pharma Company

"Oh! You noticed…Thank You, Thank
you"


3 Mr. Bond
Jeep
Farm owner just outside DehraDun

"I don’t know, the number came with
the Jeep...You want it?"


4 Mr. Bond
Maruti 800
Son

"Papa said 007 means we are 'Hip', he
paid extra for that number"

5 Mr. Bond
New Toyota SUV

"Hum kya James Bond se kam hain?"

The last one was especially interesting. This is how he sounded “Hum Kya Zames Baand se
kum Hai?”

“Not at all Sir…you’ve actually kept him alive… here … right behind your car!”

‘James Bond’ is dead…

Long live ‘Zames Baand’, licence to drive number- UK 07- XA- 0007.

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

Culture Vulture OR Vulture Culture?

Some weeks ago when we wrote about the deteriorating culture in DehraDun, we had no idea that it would stick to so many people (Ref:Open letter to CM and MC). At, at least 2 different places; people picked up a conversation with me about my critical comments on certain people who are contributing to the ‘Muzzafarnagar-isation’ of Doon. The mention below is about one of those ‘interesting’ conversations.

The conversation started in the usual cordial tone of “Oh! I read your article, and liked it”, it then went into “but, I think you are stereo-typing people” and went on to “how can you call one culture better than the other?”

Well, I don’t. I can only compare cultures and leave the judgment to whoever cares to make one.

The last entire century was lead by dogmatic leaders who changed the world forever. Germans are better than Jews…Capitalism is better than communism…White is better than black…I can plunder your country’s oil, but you can’t…My religion is better than yours…Etc. (usually absolutely extreme ends) We saw so much of X is better than Y and the conflict arising out of it, that all discussion about comparisons slowly stopped (other than in closed rooms) and the world started to say what is always ‘politically correct’. It became so important to not get into conflict, that we stopped calling ‘a spade, a spade’. All this under the guise of ‘different people and cultures work differently and what is true for one may not be true for another”…so “all cultures are equal and should co-exist”. So far so good…not that conflict completely ceased.

Coming back to the conversation with this gentleman; I asked “Do you think that all people are equal?”

“Yes, of course” he replied.

“Do you think one culture is better than the other?”

“No, I think all cultures have their own ways and that those ways are not better or worse, just different”

“Do you think there might be ways by which one culture can be called better than the other?”

“No, no again…cultures are different, not better or worse; just different”

“Do you think a culture that generally respects women may be better than a culture that doesn’t?”

“Well…”

“Do you think a usually compassionate culture is better than a usually violent culture?”

“Well…”

“Do you think Dehradun’s culture is better than some other places around Dehradun?”

“Well…”

To people who have chosen to make DehraDun their home …”Guys; please be nice to your
town…this is the only one we have!”

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

Too ‘Animal’ , or not to ‘Animal’; that…

Gauri Maulekhi is passionate about animal rights. Major Amit Salathia is a ‘Shaurya Chakra’ and is equally passionate about soldiering. Before I tell you about what happened and the narrative, lets discuss the difference between a ‘debate’ and a ‘discussion’. In a debate, people usually choose opposite ends and defend their view point, in an attempt to win. Usually even a ‘debatable’ topic has enough meat on both ends, hence the debate. In a discussion, people are open to newer view points and hence both sides have a chance of ‘winning’.

The debate started over Gauri addressing the use of a certain kind of snake for training commandos. Amit explained why it is done and how it is important for commandos to learn to survive in adverse and wild conditions. Gauri explained further how certain species are dying and have to be saved. Amit replied by citing examples from his own experience on surviving for days without civilized food. Both were right (like in debates). Both are passionate.

The debate and we took a break when tea arrived and Gauri got a call on her mobile. By this time they had already spent about 15 minutes on the agenda and this break in proceedings was welcome to everybody else in the audience, including the staff of my office. By this time (I think) both of them had also realized that it wasn’t going anywhere. I could judge that by the “this person is impossible” look each gave me. They both were.

Out of sheer courtesy (I guess) and out of exhaustion, they both fell silent and started sipping the strong brew. Once the caffeine settled, Amit said “I understand your concern for animals, but we need to find a middle path…how do you think we can save animals and not compromise the training”. Gauri then explained how some humane and less hurtful ways can be used, whilst
understanding Amit’s viewpoint. Suddenly the whole room was brighter and the ‘debate’ had turned into a ‘discussion’.

I’m not sure what happened after that but it was obvious that both of them went away wiser about each other’s areas.

Gauri; by the way, was at my office discussing how we can support People for Animals’ new state level umbrella organization. The one that gets launched on the 20th of November. She has been working very hard, like many of her colleuges , for years to fight for and advocate animal rights. The organisation was instumental in getting some action done around animal sacrifice,that is
widely prevelent in our state, as also runs a hospital and shelter for animals at Tapovan , near Raipur. As I write, they have 130 animals, including dogs, bulls, monkeys, goats, and hens, cows …That’s a lot to take care of and between her and her equally devoted colleagues.

If you’d like to support them, please visit www.pfauttarakhand.org .

Till next week.

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

SPECIAL CHILDREN, SPECIAL DAY

Hope you had a great time at Diwali. And I do hope that you kept my advice in mind during the celebrations! I want to thank everyone who wrote back to say that they have decided to have a eco-friendly Diwali from now on. A lot of people write to me, sharing their experiences and asking questions about various challenges they face. I believe we have a great forum now where we have created dialogue, raised issues and spread awareness on these crucial topics. The truth is most of us are going through similar challenges, all we need is to become thinking and acting people. Kudos to everyone who has decided to get up and get moving. I feel grateful and blessed that what I sent out has now multiplied. Now that more of us are taking this journey, more people are going to join us on the way. And our destination is to be good and better parents. After all, what is more important to us as parents than the well-being of our children? It's the 14^th of November and as our country celebrates Children's Day, what is the greatest gift that we can give our children today? Since many years, this day is being celebrated to commemorate Pt. Nehru's love for children. Why don't we use this day to recommit ourselves to our responsibility as parents?

All of us come into the role of a parent as a beginner; it's difficult to know exactly how to do it. Children do not arrive with packaged instructions and help manuals (I wish they did!). When we don't know what to do, we often do what is done to us. Remember, most of us had parents who were neither always bad nor always good. They had their limitations as we have ours. Reinvent yourself into being the parent you wish your parents had been. What we are going to need most on this journey are love and courage. I once believed that courage is an absence of fear, but I now know that really, courage is the abandonment of fear in the name of love. The only thing more powerful then fear is love, and the most powerful love is the love we have for our children. See, doesn't that make things easier?

Let's start with belief in our own abilities and skills. I feel that even if God did not send us an instruction manual, he gave us the wherewithal, the right feelings and abilities to be a parent. We just have to believe we have them. Now if you have armed yourself with this belief and confidence, I am going to take you through a step-by-step journey in good parenting. I will elaborate on each of the following steps as we go further each week.

Step One is to Look in the mirror. Reinforce the positives and reverse the negatives in yourself and your child. Teach your child by your own positive example. Keep changing until you are proud of what you see in the mirror.

Step Two is to Take the journey. Reclaim your primary role as a parent and teacher of your child. Learn the power of example. Make yourself a worthy parent.

Step Three is to Take the time. Discover the individuality of your child, which will need time and patience. Then learn how to encourage and motivate your child in his personal physical, intellectual and spiritual quests.

Step Four is to Be the guide. Inspire your child to be self-reliant. It's a difficult road to travel, but stay focused and believe.

Step Five is to Build trust. Trust your children and teach them the importance and challenge of choices, the importance of rules, and individual and collective responsibility.

Step Six is to Show the way. Emphasize the value of work as a way to achieve goals. Teach them how to set goals. Through example, teach them about the miraculous power of effort and joy in work.

Step Seven is to Have faith. Show them you believe they are capable. Teach them to be responsible for their own work, and how to get the help they need to fulfill that responsibility.

Step Eight is to Take the lead. Accept the fact that parents must monitor who and what is influencing their children. Learn how to curb to negative influence of media, peer pressure, etc.

Step Nine is to Find the good. Learn and teach the true definition of self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence and how self-discipline leads to all these.

Step Ten is to Be a Beginner. Learn about true lifelong learning. Get a better understanding of how you learn, and how your willingness and openness to learning teaches your child to do the same.

There are many paths we can follow, many choices we can make, and many successes we can achieve. But none will ever present as great an opportunity for a significant contribution to this world as the singular accomplishment of raising a good child. Surely no task is more challenging, more far reaching in its potential to influence future generations. Martha Kinney once wrote, “I am a reflection of my past generations and the essence of those following after me.”

HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY!

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'

“Om Jai Jagdish” and a Happy Diwali

Belated Happy Diwali Guys. Trust you had fun and the hangovers are over; and thanks, I had an interesting Diwali too.

‘Interesting’ is actually an understatement. It was more like, hmmm…, what’s the word, educating; I guess. This was our first Diwali in DehraDun after almost two decades and frankly; we had almost forgotten the way it works. Also, I haven’t made as many blunders (in the ‘social’ way) in a span of 3 days, as around this Diwali and am now confident of not repeating my mistakes.

Blunder number one… I didn’t realize that I had to reply to each ‘mass-sent’ SMS , with a ‘Thank You Dear…We wish you a Happy Diwali too’, neither did I send any. The logic was simple. We meet our friends and relatives often enough, and they deserve more than an SMS. I call this a blunder, because after Diwali I bumped into people who actually asked me why I didn’t reply. I wanted to say, “But you forwarded the same message that Himanshu had sent to Amit and others, who forwarded it to Nisha and others, who mass forwarded the same message to her entire address book.” How do I know? Well, ‘Diwali’ was spelt ‘Diwoli’ in the last line of the message; and I got the same message from Himanshu and Amit and Nisha and maybe seven other people on the same day, only sequentially. Lesson learnt: Always send mass messages. People know you are mass mailing, but at least they know that they are on your address
book.

Blunder number two…I did not buy economical gifts for everyone I know. Its only when people that you rarely meet; come home with a gift wrapped box of ‘Haldiram’s Namkeen’, that you realize; they not just exist but also remember you. The guilt is immediate. I mean as soon as you see them at the door with something in their hand…you know that the gesture will have to be reciprocated. That of course after checking the exact value of the Namkeens.

Blunder number three…I didn’t have a picture of Goddess Laxmi , Lord Ganesh, Lord Ram, Lord Krishan, Goddess Kali, Lord Kubera, Lord Hanuman, Lord Dhanvantri, Lord Yama, King Bali, or any of the other dieties to be remembered during ‘puja’ at home. This meant that the puja had to be outsourced to our dear neighbours. Mrs, and Mr. Malhotra were kind to let us sit through their puja, but did raise an eyebrow when I couldn’t sing the entire aarti with them. I had no excuse. As a person born in a Hindu family, the least one expects to know, is “Om Jai Jagdish”.

I know; none of the blunders above deserve forgiveness. I also know that the prices of even economical gifts go up every year, so here’s my plan.

For the SMS blunder: I will start sending “Happy Diwali” to my entire address book a week before next diwali, so no body can accuse me of copying the original SMS.

For the economical gifts blunders: Some that we received this year will last till the next. The rest we plan to buy.

For the puja blunder: Mrs. and Mr. Malhotra have agreed to continue living in our colony and be our neighbours.

“Om Jai Jagdish” and a very Happy Diwali. This, by the way; is for the one next year. In advance!

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

Sundays Around Doon - Diwali

First off, let me wish you all a very joyous and glowing Deepavali. I wish this Deepavali brings not just material prosperity to us all, but brings more generosity so that we can share our abundance with others. That’s downright being selfish, if you know what I mean; well, happiness grows by sharing, so why not share and grow our happiness!!

If I start talking about and suggesting you where to go this weekend, what with all of the weekend full with ‘festivals’, I’m going to get spammed with hate mails and choicest abuses of which only Doonites are capable of (there’s an earlier article referring to them in Full Plate). So that takes care of the weekend stuff. But still, I’m supposed to write some ‘meaningful’ stuff up to a ‘certain’ length every week or so. That leaves me caring for what to write.

Infact, all my mind’s full of is the row of festivals coming. And I’m already beginning to feel good, so I hope are all of us. After all, its our Major ‘tyohar’. And anyway, shopping, celebrations, happy faces all around and meeting up people always fill up my being with just such a glow as Elizabeth Gilbert describes in her book ‘Eat,Pray,Love’. I bet even she hasn’t tasted the glow of celebrating Deepavali.

Every weekend we travel to someplace that brings us happiness and joy, adventure and fun. This week, I propose we take happiness and joy, and travel around with it. But be careful, happiness is very contagious, so spread it with caution. As you take it with you around the city meeting and greeting family, relatives, friends and people, it’s going to infect them as well, and before you know, you would be surrounded by a massive all round feeling of happiness, the only kind that bring such a glow to your being that lights up a lifetime.

Let’s travel with peace, abundance and tolerance as well. They are in short supply, and if you can spread them around, everyone will thank you.

As in this world full of capitalism, there are ‘fake’ happinesses to be found too. They are sold in the market in bright shiny packages, and promise you unbelievable ‘glows’. But this Deepavali, stay away from such fake promises of ‘happiness’. Don’t fall in for expensive over displays of lighting. They will only shoot up your electricity bill, and their glow will last but a while. Follow the traditional practice of glowing ‘diyas’ full of colour and cleaning up your air. And let’s stay as far away as possible from those things that produce a lot of noise and boom, but bring a monthful of gloomy skies and polluted air to the city.

And let’s remember, there are thousands in our state who just a short while back faced the worst trauma of their lives, losing their homes and families. Let us also be sensitive to them, and while celebrating our joy, pledge to share a little of our ‘abundance’ with them, and help them in their crisis.

Enjoy a ‘glowing’ Deepavali.

Him Ahuja is an avid traveler and runs a travel blog named http://allhimalaya.com

'LIGHT' UP THE WORLD

Diwali is here again! It's festivities, fun, food, firecrackers and fireworks all around! People are gearing up for a 'rocking' Diwali once again ,and what better way to do it than burst firecrackers and organize displays of fireworks. The bigger the better, of course! Is there anything that bothers you about this picture? What can we add or take away from the above that could make this Diwali better than others? I can see light dawning and heads nodding! That's a good sign, but what next? Hmm?

Why am I writing about this? Because this is a very, very important responsibility as a parent. There is something quite awry about our sense of fun today. We have now begun to associate festival time with buying and spending, no holds barred, the most expensive things we can afford, somehow confusing abundance with affluence, mistaking prosperity with a opulence, a sense of competition to outdo others with our festivities, pomp and celebrations. We buy gold, jewellery, land, houses, shops, offices, bigger cars, things we need, and more things we do not need, just to 'feel good' about our spending power. We are filling up our lives, our houses, our minds and even our relationships with THINGS! We want to give 'the best' to our children but the best is not about values or morals anymore, it is about big, beautiful, expensive things! Is that really the best we can give our children? Instead of mindless spending, could we not teach them love, compassion, giving, service and charity this Diwali? All the abundance in our lives is God's grace, could we not share it this time with the lesser fortunate? We have so much, sharing it with others is only going to multiply it, because the Law of Giving directly sets the Law of Abundance and Prosperity in motion. You may have read Ajay's write-up on this subject.

Whatever I have learned and seen so far tells me that we are the custodians of our earthly wealth and things while we are on this planet. We need to be good stewards of it, take care of it, use it wisely, not be wasteful but thrifty, and most importantly, give as freely as we have been given. The only thing that stops God from sending anything our way is our own miserliness or selfishness. If you really want to 'feel good', there is nothing like the warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you give, which does not diminish as soon as all the crackers burn out. What better Diwali gift to our children than teaching them these important laws through our own examples?

What can we do practically about this? Make small trips with the children during these days, giving money, new clothes and shoes, essential items to people who live in orphanages, old age homes or destitutes. Sponsor a year's education for a child/children with the money you were going to spend on the infamous 10,000 chain-bombs or other expensive firecrackers! The money that you have planned to spend/ lose in Diwali parties or posh celebrations, you could send a draft through various organizations to so many areas hit with natural calamities or political warfare, like the remote areas of Uttarakhand, Ladakh, Kashmir, maoist areas around the country,...the possibilities are endless. Talk to the children about all this, make them aware and then ask them if they would like to give away their Diwali funds for these causes. I can assure you of the overwhelming response of a child's loving, giving heart! Let this year's Diwali budget work for the greater good of so many more families than just yours.

The other aspect of Diwali celebrations is the use of fireworks, and no celebrations are considered complete without burning up hundreds and thousands of them! But not enough can be said about the extremely harmful effects of this on our health and the environment at large. These are both safety and health hazards. I cannot possibly mention all the health-related problems here, but a few prominent ones are hearing loss, high blood pressure, deafness, heart attacks, nausea, mental impairment, asthma, bronchitis, etc. My older son, who is now almost ten, since the age of 2 or 3, has been working continually to educate first us, then his classmates and people he meets, about how harmful firecrackers are for us, our surroundings and consequently, our whole world. He talks about how children who are made to work illegally in factories that make firecrackers, not only suffer child labour, but chronic and irreversible diseases! How can we, as parents, allow this gross suffering and inhuman behaviour to continue with other children? The only way we can help this is by breaking off the demand chain, the supply will have to go down as well. These small children are also a part of our greater responsibility.

Decreased visibility due to smog leads to so many accidents every year. The loud and sudden noises are very traumatic for small babies, the sick and dying, and older people. Even animals suffer on account of firecrackers as they have a more sensitive sense of hearing than humans. Have we as a society, completely lost our compassion and humaneness? Is our fun more important than the well-being and lives of others? I certainly hope not. Even the government of India has banned firecrackers between 10 pm and 6 am, from Dushehra to Diwali, observing that the ‘Right to Sleep’ is a fundamental right. The Central Pollution Board of India has banned firecrackers with a decibel level of more than 125 at a distance of 4 meters from the bursting point. Even the authorities that we blame are making efforts to reduce this nuisance, why can't we? After all, is this not our family, our neighbourhood, our society, our planet, our world?

The sanctity of Diwali should not be blown away in smoke. Diwali is a festival of lights, let us not turn it into a festival of noise and fire. Insead, let us teach our children to celebrate with lighting up our houses and neighbourhood, not in expensive ways, but with 'diyas' and candles. Get them to help with the spring-cleaning, getting rid of the unnecessary stuff, decorating the house, painting 'rangolis', preparing for the 'pooja', helping with making festival sweets, wrapping up small gifts for friends and family, 'making up' with neglected or estranged ones, making colourful greeting cards, etc. All this will not only help them to learn about the true spirit of Diwali, but they will also be able to think of 'fun' in other ways than just bursting firecrackers. At our Centre, last Diwali we made the children aware about these various aspects, and it was so heartening to see that a majority of the children, even as young as 4 years of age, undertook a pledge to have a safe, environment-friendly Diwali. They also took on the responsibility to educate their friends and family about all these issues, and these special children earned very special certificates for their endeavours! It was very interesting to see that it was the parents who had more of a problem with having a fireworks-free Diwali! (Sorry, parents!)

What then is our responsibility this Diwali? Let us turn Diwali back into a festival of lights, victory, prayer, giving, sharing, joy, happiness, goodwill, sanctity, safety, freshness, laughter and fun! And don't forget, good parenting! All these good things which come out of loving hearts and open minds. All the things that all the money and opulence in the world cannot buy. Let us pray at this time for ourselves, our loved ones and the entire planet. Let us all reclaim Diwali for what it signifies – light, hope and fresh beginnings. All the blessings of love, light, happiness and abundance are on their way to you in a fresh new way this year. HAVE A BRILLIANT DIWALI!

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'

A 'story' in reply to an email

The response to our last week’s article (Ye Shahar Kiska Hai?) has been heartwarming. Not just in terms of the number of responses we got, but also about what people wrote. Thanks a lot DehraDun for believing that something can be done to avoid further defacement of this town. I also got a very interesting comment from a lady; and I quote from her mail …“there are many before you guys that have tried and failed to improve this town. You guys just write in a ‘classified paper’. This town is run by people that don’t care about the place anymore. Believe me! Nothing will change”.

I’m not sure.

My first reaction was to write back to the lady and advocate a more positive outlook. But then again, maybe she is just voicing what a lot of us feel. Her truth is as ‘true’ as ours. The following words are not mine. I have used the story below a hundred times in my training classes and haven’t been able to write a better one that says the same thing. So to whoever wrote this (and do let me know if you find out)… the story still inspires us. Maybe it would help a few others. Here it is.

‘The Starfish Story’ by Anonymous

One morning, I went out for my daily sunrise walk on the beach. Off in the distance, I could see someone pick something up off the beach, walk a little way into the ocean, and then toss the object into the water.

Then, the person, who appeared to be a small boy, picked up another object and tossed it also into the sea. He continued to do this as I walked. As I approached, I saw that he was picking up starfish. I stopped and asked him why he was doing this. The boy explained that the starfish were stranded and that in another hour or two they would dry up and die. He was saving their lives.

The innocence of youth, I thought. I told him that there were thousands of starfish on the beach, and he couldn't possibly make a difference. The kid stopped and looked down, as if to study the water that washed over our bare feet. Then he walked over and picked up another starfish, walked into the sea and tossed it in.

"Sir," he said, "It made a difference for that one."

End of Story.

The question to really ask is; “Yeh Shahar Kiska Hai?” and maybe
the answer to that, has some solutions for our town.

Till next week…have a great buildup to Diwali.

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

GOOD STUDY HABITS

A very important part of good parenting is good teaching. Our role as parents also incorporates the significant role of being teachers to our children. We cannot deny or ignore this primary responsibility, for it comes with the package. If we neglect it, our children face the danger of turning out to be irresponsible, disinterested, immature and unsuccessful. That is a terrifying thought and we need to make the right efforts NOW to avoid that situation. It is crucial that in order to make our children good learners, as well as achievers in their student life, they need to to be taught to be self-motivated and self-suffiecient. They need to develop independent study and learning skills and good personal habits. Some of the key study habits that our children need to acquire are accurate observation, careful planning, concentration on task at hand, systematic methods, perseverance in difficult tasks, an optimistic outlook, promptness in completing each assignment, regular revision of work done and above all, being eager and excited about the learning process.

Such a long list may put you off, thinking how is it possible for our children when they don't even sit down to study on their own! It may be difficult, but not impossible. Each of these habits is interlinked with the other, you start with one and they keep falling into place. All you need is to get started with one, and build on it gradually. I would suggest starting with the planning – scheduling the time and duration of studying, as well as playtime and recreation. It always helps to have a clear idea of what to do next, it keeps us away from procrastination. All this may take some time and effort as 'old habits die hard', and for good habits to become a way of life.

All that I have mentioned in the list becomes very easy if we start with our children very early, even as early as playschool! Yes, it's true, we can easily get our children accustomed to a schedule even when they are as young as that. I don't mean burdening them with spelling or math or writing. I just mean setting a time aside to sit together and sing rhymes or talk about colours, tell stories or simply talk about what they did in school and ask them to repeat it. Repitition amounts to revision, and isn't that what they do when they grow up, go over everything that they read or wrote in class? This gets them into the habit of homework – doing a learning or study related activity at a particular time everyday. So when they grow older, they are already familiar with this concept and can easily fall into the more formal homework and revision routine. What I did with my children was that each day I would just tell him/her that we are going to eat now, then take a short nap, and then it will be time to 'study' whatever new things we have learned today. How this helps is that they have it on their minds beforehand, so it becomes a 'plan'. Secondly, by making it sound very 'important', we can get them excited about it, they look forward to 'studying', for they haven't yet started to look upon it as a 'chore'! Believe me, it really works, and it only needs consistency from us. If we just sit with them even for half an hour at the same time every day, they easily fall into the routine. I now have no problems with my two school-going sons, Grades 1 and 5, for they sit down with their homework or revision on their own, even when I am not around the house sometimes.

What is also important is to stress on the imporatance of revising all work done in class. In school, mostly information and concepts are passed on, so at home, this information has to be assimilated and comprehended. When children revise, they 'process' this infomation into knowledge. This way learning comes a full circle and it becomes more permanent in their memory. Revision or reading the chapters done in class is an intrinsic part of homework. Having been a teacher for so many years, I would often wonder why some children are not able to remember what we did just a few days back in class. But becoming a mother, and trying to instill good study habits in my child, I discovered the answer. I always encouraged my eldest son to read over again all that he had done in class, from the textbook as well as the notebook, and so he always remembered everything even after a long time. Then I encouraged my younger son to do the same, and the same worked for him as well. I have now started this process with my two and a half year old daughter. With the younger children, when there is less or no pressure of homework, we can make them read the chapter aloud for us, do a few exercises in their practice notebooks, like write down the new words they've learned, practice a little handwriting every day, do counting – forwards and backwards, reverse, missing, etc. We can do this in a fun way, so that they enjoy it, and they associate learning with fun.

One crucial thing to remember is to appreciate and praise very effort of theirs, point out the few mistakes gently and encourage them to re-do the part with mistakes. Remember to praise them again for their wonderful effort! I have seen it work wonders in my own children. They are happy to be told to study now, and it is not a struggle for me as I know it can be for a lot of parents.

One other thing that really works is allowing the children to choose their study time on their own. For one, it gives them a sense of importance and responsibility, it tells them we trust them to make good decisions, and also makes them take ownership of their own homework. Let them come with ideas, follow them for a couple of days, see what works and what doesn't, for example, some children may feel very drowsy after lunch while others may not, some may be too tired after playtime, while others might be refreshed, etc. Each child has his/her own 'good' time. Help your child to discover this 'optimum' time of the day. Gently guide them into reaching the corrrect decisions. But also tell them that from now on, they are responsible to be back home at that time, and sit down with their homework. Remind them if need be, but make them eventually responsible for settling down on their own. It will take them a few days to settle them into that routine, but they will soon do so.

What has worked for our family is a short nap (never more than 45 mins. to an hour) after lunch-time, then activity-time like going for music, dance or pottery lessons, coming back and playing with their friends, just free play or some sports, (no TV or computer games, please!), then coming home to a nice, warm bath, an early dinner, an hour of homework or reading time, prayer-time, and then into bed by 9.00. If my older son feels he has more studying to do, he is motivated enough to get up an hour earlier in the morning, and finish it on his own. It makes me proud that he has taken ownership and responsibility of his own work. And believe it or not, this is the same schedule that we follow, exams or no exams, and our children mostly find this enough time to prepare or revise. We do not stop their activities or playtime, they may decide to do it on their own, if they feel they have more to do. One thing we also stress on is good eating and sleeping habits, and this really helps them to face the pressures of every day work or exam time. I encourage you to try to follow these guidelines in your lives as well, and results will follow soon. What is needed for you to be present but not pressurizing, forming a similar schedule for yourselves as well. While the children are studying, you could be in the next room reading, so that they learn by example that you value reading and studying as well. If you watch TV, etc. in that time, they feel that they are the ones who are being 'burdened' while you are enjoying yourselves. If we want them to be independent and responsible now, we have to set examples. Let's WALK THE TALK!

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'

Yeh Shaher Kiska Hai?

I know it’s politically incorrect, but I really do not relate to our old national Heroes anymore. Gandhi, Nehru, Tilak …I’m sure they were all fine men and Heroes in their own right, but they are too old for me. Look; I understand that they may still be relevant and what they have left behind is of great value to us…but that’s not what helps me live everyday now. Let me explain. You see, if this was the 1940s and India was fighting for independence (or something) , I’m sure a lot of us would get inspired by these people, but not when my mobile ring tone changes every hour to suit my mood. I need Heroes and role models that inspire me now, in 2010, to become better, do more, seek higher…exactly what a role model should do. That too in everyday life.

Let’s look at the remaining possibilities (in terms of available role models) that may inspire the current lot, in which I include everyone from age 3 till the age when one still gets inspired
(choose).

1. Sports stars. Very few.
2. Film stars. Well, a handful and their market ‘role model’ value oscillates with the box office collection of their last films.
3. Politicians and bureaucrats. The less said the better.
4. Businessmen. Here we suddenly have a breather. Narayan Murthy, Rattan Tata, Asim Premji… and the newer lot of entrepreneurs that have upheld India’s pride.
5. Some not so famous but brilliant social workers.

All in all, as a nation of more than a billion people…very few role models.

This then; is a real tragedy for India.

Unless, we start to look around closely and define leadership and role modeling in a slightly different way. Lets for the moment call this ‘quiet leadership’.

When I say ‘quiet leadership’, I don’t necessarily mean lower decibel levels or volume. In fact, in some cases quite the contrary.

Quiet leaders are everywhere. In fact in every home and school. Ask any kid, who they want to be, and who’s the best person in the world and the reply will always be “My Dad” or “My class
teacher” or “Principal”.

The problem with role models is that they get ‘modeled’. People do what they see their role models doing. So if ‘My Dad’ drives on the wrong side of the road, so will I. If ‘My Teacher’ spits, shouts, corrupts, steals, hits, blows…well he is still my role model.

Confucius, the great Chinese philosopher and thinker said …“The ancients, who wished to illustrate illustrious virtue throughout the kingdom, first ordered well their own states. Wishing to order well their states, they first regulated their families. Wishing to regulate their families, they first cultivated their persons.”

Look at Dr. Pandey and his ‘people for a green doon’. Try to illegally cut any tree in Dehradun and he would get there with his group…anytime of the day and night. He is ‘loud’ but ‘quiet’.
Or Yudhistir Puran Singh…all of 23 years, the bloke has started DehraDun talking about environmental concerns within just the last 7 months. Or Mr. Sheel Vohra, who passed away just a few days ago and will always, be remembered by students in DehraDun, especially the Doon School.

I’m not sure if any of us can do too much about the state of the country, but if the math runs right, we’d be happier if we start with our home, mohalla, town…

To all the ‘quiet’ heroes of Dehradun… ‘Guys, Thank You’. This town owes a lot to you, even if we do not know where you are.

P.S. Incidentally the top 10 musicians in DehraDun have been working on a song
called “DehraDun DehraDun” (kind of like our local town Anthem) and intend to make
it into a film called “Yeh Shehar Kiska Hai”. If you’d like a free copy of the ‘DehraDun
Song’ and the film, please feel free to write to ilovedoon@jingles.co.in with your
address and phone. We’ll be happy to include you in our ‘role model’ list.

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

Whose “Ahsaas” is it anyway?

I’m not sure how many girls attend my workshop every week. 20-30 I guess. The numbers keep changing, but they all seem to know exactly what happened when they were missing. Officially; we call it the ‘Ahsaas’ club.

Un-officially? Well…Prison-break!

When I first approached Welham Girls School with the idea of starting a group that writes, sings, paints, composes, shoots, edits…I don’t think any of us knew what we wanted. Mrs. Brar, the principal; however, was patient and heard me out. She was curt when she said “Vineet, all this is a bit confusing…what do you want to do again?” “Well, start a group, and work with young people…” is all I could muster. “And what do the girls learn at the end?” she went further with her drill. “Well, they will learn what they want to…I can only facilitate the learning” I replied sounding philosophical.

She finally agreed to let me run this workshop on one condition. “Vineet, every month, I need to see a film or a presentation, with everything you claim goes into making one. Do you think that’s possible?” I knew there was no way I can finish a script, music, shooting, editing of a film, in the few hours I get with the girls every week…but the question demanded a show of confidence and that’s what it got. “Of course madam” said I…knowing I can always bargain for more time when this starts. “OK then. You start this Monday, and I want the first film to be ready by 21st Oct, so we can feature that on our founder’s day.”

“But that’s only a month” I blurted. “Yes, exactly what you asked for…isn’t it?” she replied.
I guess we know when we have promised; more than we should. I looked towards the sky and knew my non-believing attitude has started to play on my ‘kismet’.

The club started anyway, on the following Monday with Mrs. Brar introducing me to the girls; and the two teachers who will assist and support the workshops. I was once in school myself; you know… and knew immediately what the look in the girls’ eyes meant. It meant I’m going to be rogered.

Our first few meetings moved the project in one direction…backwards. I gave the girls many ideas around what we could write a story about. They heard all of the ideas politely. Even pretended to like some of them, and then; like they had telepathic communication amongst themselves, collectively gave all my ideas a remote resting place usually referred to as the ‘bin’ in many cultures.

I have always wanted to teach in a school. The opportunity came my way in terms of this assignment; and instead of being thankful, I was already thinking of resigning. This, within the second week of my new assignment? How much worse can it get?

I reached school with my mind made up and looking apologetic. Mrs. Brar wasn’t in her room and so I waited. All I had to say was “Madam, I had no idea that teaching in a school is this tough, and because I don’t think I can meet my commitment of delivering a film in a month, I’d rather leave now.” I had rehearsed the delivery a few times in my head, and was looking for politer words when I heard a rather excited voice.

“Sir, I think we know what the story should be about…it has to be about us, our lives, our families, our struggles, our dreams. When do we start the class? You’re late! 13 minutes! We’re all waiting. Why are you sitting here?” Astha shook me out of my guilt induced sleep outside the principal’s office. “AAA…well…you see, I was…?” I muttered and followed her to the class.

The world had suddenly changed. Exactly the way if happens when we have a direction. Over the next few classes, we not just got our many characters right; but wrote a lengthy script, created music and songs to go with the film, started shooting, got the editing software installed, recorded the song…all this with me watching from a distance and just ‘facilitating’. The film that I thought would be impossible to make in the given time, has taken shape in less, with much more in it than originally planned.

We call this club …“Ahsaas”. Meaning, to experince and understand.

The girls; by the way, are not the only ones learning, understanding and experiencing.

Quoting from the film : "There is a part of me that wants to write, a part that wants to theorize, a part that wants to sculpt, a part that wants to teach... to force myself into a single role, to decide to be just one thing in life, would kill off large parts of me." …Is how our film Ends.

The “Ahsaas” however, continues. For the girls and me alike.

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

'TRUE' OR 'FORCED ACHIEVERS?

Being an achiever in academics is every parent's and child's goal these days. As I mentioned last time, this has created a sort of 'frenzy' or 'mania' among them, especially so when exam-time is at hand. But instead of inculcating the right study skills in their children right from the beginning, parents try to 'manage' and 'control' their children's studies and academic achievements. Children, thus, never feel that the responsibility is theirs, hence, they are never really able to enjoy the rewards of their accomplishments. The educational and school environment today are putting a lot of pressure on the children, to succeed, to achieve, to stay on top, be multi-tasking, disciplined, punctual, competitive, in short, it's all about winning, to be the 'best'! Some schools are known to even boast of the fact that their children study the curriculum a year ahead of their ages, so that they are always ahead of the others' of their age, as well as have that advantage of being a 'winner'! But do our children really understand the meaning or need of all these expectations? Are they motivated enough (if at all!) to be able to deliver on all these fronts?

I don't think so. In fact, that is the reason our children have lost interest in studying, being achievers, striving for excellence, setting goals, or even just plain good performance. Can you blame them? They are now being used as trophies that parents proudly hold up to all and sundry, their marks in their exams being their one only parameter of excellence! Children's marks have become the 'status symbol' of today's parents (being right up there with palatial houses, swank cars, diamonds, foreign trips, etc.)! But the sad part is that the children are being 'pushed' into this kind of competitive environment. They are not really provided with the necessary study skills to achieve all this, so they have to be controlled and managed all the time through endless after-school tuition classes, with no time for play, recreation or just plain old 'doing nothing'. The little free time they get, they just spend watching TV or playing computer games, mostly senseless activities, which do not provide their brains with any refreshment or rejuvenation. It becomes worse when exams are approaching, for then they are completely expected to immerse themselves in their books, only taking out time for eating or sleeping (I hope!). Even the parents, especially the mothers, put their lives completely on hold, I've seen to the extent of no phone-calls, meeting people, having guests over, cooking, etc.! Believe me, this is not an exaggeration.

This is so because children are either not trusted enough to be able to achieve good results on their own, or they have not been encouraged to develop the correct self-study habits, which will last them a lifetime, in whatever they choose to do. The parents feel that without their constant prodding and urging, the children will not be able to manage on their own. This may be true also, because these children do not really know how to. But it is not their fault. There are a few things we, as parents, can do which will help them to become responsible for their own studies and achievements, take control of their own schedules, and thus become independent.

Our aim is to instill in them a sense of purpose. This is because most children fail to understand the purpose of schooling and education, so they just try to pass the time between school and home, somehow willing it to end as soon and painlessly as possible! If they understand that the aim of study is character-building, and the goal is to be result-oriented, they will find a purpose in all these aimless activities that they are 'made' to do. Teachers, books and surroundings help, but in the final analysis, it is all up to the student. Children are capable of learning despite bad teachers, lack of books, difficult surroundings, etc. We do hear these stories often enoughof people who have achieved this. What sets these achievers apart from very other student is their sense of purpose. Students have to learn that they can only learn and perform well if they apply themselves daily. They have to be trained to take responsibility of their time and manage it well. Our job is not to sit with them and make them memorize the answers, our job is to inculcate in them the correct study, time management and personal habits. They will then achieve all this on their own and with flying colours.

First and foremost, we have to 'take the pressure off' created by our expectations of marks. Studying offers challenges in many ways. Marks may not always be a true indication of their progress in learning. It is very imporatnt that we stress on an overall, integrated development. Children enjoy challenges, but our unreasonable pressures drive them away for fear of failure and lack of enjoyment. Secondly, we have to stop comparing them to their classmates or their achievements. This completely demoralizes them and tells them that we have no value for them apart from their achievements and whether or not they are good enough. Instead, we can encourage them to set higher yet realistic personal goals and teach them the ways in which to achieve them. Help them to understand the difference between mediocrity and excellence, but also letting them know that success and failure are realtive, they can only be correnctly measured by the efforts and not only by the results. A very important thing is not to 'spoon-feed' the children, but to provide a supportive environment, conducive for self-study. I believe motivation firstly comes from principled parents, because success always has a moral and ethical side to it. To succeed, the child must want to do it and do it well. That is motivation. From the time they are toddlers, we will have to continually inspire, excite and encourage them to perform to the best of their abilities. Motivation and goal-setting are thus essential ingredients for a 'winning' child.

To reinforce their perfomance and behaviour, we have to help them to have good and healthy mental and emotional patterns. We can do this by planting words of encouragement, appreciation, praise and positive persuasion in them. These words will then blossom inside them and manifest through positive actions. They can be encouraged to read motivational texts and parts of the holy scriptures regularly, especially before they sleep, for the last thing that goes into them at bedtime will be the first thing on their minds in the morning. They can be taught how to effectively channelize their minds to positive thinking. Tell them they are loved, appreciated and trusted. They will succeed! They are winners! Filling them with purposeful words of conviction and belief in their abilities is guaranteed to bring results. For what we believe, we achieve. For your children to become 'true' and not 'forced' achievers, you will have to help them to inculcate good personal and healthy habits. These include right food, right sleep, right thought, right visual and audio intake, right actions, perseverance, planning, optimism, promptness, regularity, etc.

I would like to elaborate on all these in the next issue, the actual physical side of study, what it means and what it takes to teach and achieve all of the above. It will just need patience and consistency from us, but our children will eventually be true achievers and will excel in whatever they do. According to Aristotle, “Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.”

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'

The ‘Royal’ trip

By the way writing this column every week is no miniature task. It isn’t about writing per se, it’s about finding what to write about first that daunts me. Like this time. You see, it isn’t like I’ve been writing forever…only after we moved to DehraDun. Also; it’s tough to type while driving a car. I’m in Jaipur as I write, and for the last 3 days or so have been (literally) on the road. Doon to Delhi, then onwards to Jaipur…and no, I’m not on vacation, actually quite the contrary. Vacations are different.

After experiencing Dehradun’s weather and people, every other place looks and feels second grade. In fact one doesn’t need to go too far…just cross Biharigarh; and you’ll know what I mean.
OK, so message one is: I hate leaving DehraDun. The question that follows of course is why am I not in Doon then? And the answer is, because; I’m married.

Yes, it has a lot to do with my marriage. The ‘Mrs.’ traces her so called ‘royal’ ancestry to a place called “Jothwara” a little ahead of Jaipur. I too, don’t at all mind, living with erstwhile ‘royals’, as
long as they do not insist that I accompany them on tours of old havelis, rotten ‘gullies’ , relatives that have nothing in common with us , and places that sound completely alien to me. But no Sir,
this royal specimen would not listen, like every other wife in the world. She believes that tours like these will make ‘stuck’ humans like me appreciate India and its culture, as also make us humble. She clearly has no idea; how ‘stuck’ we are.

Anyway, I have decided to use this time to further my study of ‘the art of patience’.

Every relative of Mehak’s we meet, expects that I would bend completely down and touch their feet. Feet! Feet? This; when I have a bad back and a family that believes in pretending to bend
down whilst saying ‘pari-pena ji’? She just doesn’t understand that it doesn’t come naturally to me. Then (and this one completely blows me off) I do not comprehend why every ‘haveli’ has two sitting rooms. His and her’s. Can you imagine this in 2010? So Mehak can walk through every room in the house because she is ‘the girl of the house’ and I am restricted to the ‘gents’ areas because I’m the ‘outsider damaad’. As if I can see anything through the long ‘ghooghats’ that every woman seems to love. So much for development in Rajasthan.

The food, I must say, kind of; compensates for everything else. So, I keep shut and follow the royal orders. The orders are to follow her into shops, gullies, mohallas, and other dangerous areas that (I’m sure) even locals would not venture into. This is where she finds people who make ‘hand block prints’ and jewelry, and (imagine) chappals, and sarees …who knows what else. How she knows where to go is beyond me. My job is watch as she buys loads of this stuff and be the good husband and pay. That’s it.

I’m not sure why I agreed to come to Jaipur with Mehak and if I’ll ever come back. I do however think that when Mehak starts her Rajasthani store in DehraDun, she should give me 5% of the
profits just for being the ‘good, silent, adjusted, husband’ and remember that this is compensation for taking my ‘royal a@#’.

Vineet Panchhi owns and runs Audio Wagon, his lifelong passion and now a music company. He blogs at Unplanned Journeys , and can be reached at: vineet.panchhi@audiowagon.com

FEVER? FRENZY? MANIA?!

Phew!!! They're finally over! Finally, our town (alongwith half our country!) can breathe a sigh of relief. Life can go on as usual now. We can step out of our houses now and then, and guests are once more welcome now! The Tvs can be on all day again, and children can again talk and play with their friends! What am I talking about? The half-yearly exams, of course! The biggest event this time of the year in our side of the country! And we're only just warming up for the BIG ones in March, the FINALS! Once again life will come to a standstill, parents will lose their appetites and their precious sleep, and exams will haunt us in our nightmares! In our country, our children's exams are bigger than natural disasters, terrorist attacks, budget statements, elections, dowry deaths, murder trials, satellite-launches, everything! For exams, not only do parents put their lives on hold, but make their children's lives miserable! Scoring the highest marks in all subjects becomes the only thing worth achieving, everything else becomes worthless or secondary. The tension in the air is palpable, the stress is visible, and even children as young as 4-5 years old are made to study for as long as five hours or more! What is going on?!

The marks they score in exams are the parameter by which the children's achievements are judged. They are not 'good enough' if they score anything less than 95% marks! The expectations from children are so high, they have become ludicrous! And this is when the children are not even preparing for their exams on their own. Their parents, especially the mothers, sit with them, go through each chapter with them, make them memorize the answers, word-meanings, diagrams, etc., painstakingly making sure that the child knows everything ever written in his/her notebooks during that year “by heart”, so that he/she is capable of reproducing every word on the sheets of exam-paper word-for-word! Amazing effort and hard work on your part! It would all be good though, if all this was not making the child incapable, under-confident and irresponsible! What?! How? It's true though, because during this whole process, year after year, the children are not studying to achieve their personal or academic goals, they are studying to achieve yours! That's because they have no goals of their own, only your expectations and goals to live up to (you try hard to coonvince them are 'good' for them!) Little wonder then, when children grow up, they are completely aimless and irresponsible, and then we blame them or the educational system/government/society as the reason for our children's lack of goals, aims, awareness, responsibility, efforts, decision-making, etc.

But it is us who make our children responsible or useless. When we take control of our children's homework or studies, we take away their responsibility for doing it. We also take away their right to the rewards, personal or otherwise, for its accomplishment. It's their work, let them do it. True, they will often still need your help, but you must help them without doing the work for them. How? Have faith in them that they can do it, then prove it. If you really want to be helpful, help your children learn how to help themselves. Their self-reliance is the key to confidence and what they need really to do their own work and earn their own rewards. To do a good job, it is the actual doing of the task, relying on their own efforts, going through the experience, witnessing the results, assigning goals and reaching them, that will make them believe in their own ability. When a responsibility is assigned to a child, let the task be his or hers to do. That's how children realize whether or not they can do their work on their own, or if they are facing a problem in understanding the concepts. Learning to ask for help is also a great life-lesson that they will learn from this process. But before the children can learn to ask for help, they must first learn to discover, if in fact, they need help. If we just tell them before they even ask for it, it does a lot for our self-confidence, but it certainly doesn't do much for theirs!

If we just jump in and try to make all the decisions, it just releases the children from their the responsibility of determining their own best time, or to plan ahead far enough, or to even know when to ask for help. They know that we will remind them, nag them if need be, because we have taken control! We get so concerned with whether or not they are getting their homework or preparation for exams done, that we lose sight of the fact that it is theirs to do. Some parents even practically end up doing it for their children! We will discuss the dangers attached to this in the next issue. Till then, this is what I'll quote from an ancient Chinese Proverb:

I hear, and I forget.

I see, and I remember.

I do, and I understand.

Juhi Mehta, the quintessential mother-teacher, runs Life Express - an after-school center for children. She can be reached at juhimalini@gmail.com. She also writes 'Reflections of an inner Journey'